We have seven children. The oldest is 24. This means I've been compiling this list for a long time. A few of them I've posted here before. Here are some of my favorites items on my list:
Do not shoot the dart gun at the ceiling fan.
Gentlemen do not shoot rubber-bands at their sisters' bottoms.
In order for things to work, they must be plugged in.
"NO APRIL FOOL's JOKES WITH TOOTHBRUSHES!"
When your Dear Papa instructs you to go outside to bring the rubbish bins back from the end of the driveway, he intends for you to drag them, push them, or pull them, leaving at least one foot on the ground most of the time. He does not intend for you to turn them on their sides, climb on top, and roll them the entire 250 foot length of the driveway by walking on them after the fashion of lumberjacks at a log rolling contest, Seven Brides for Seven Brothers notwithstanding.
Do not let your sister talk you into holding one end of the rope while she loops the middle around a very high branch in a tree, uses it as a pulley, and then hoists you up by pulling the other end of the rope.
If you talk your brother into holding one end of the rope while you loop the middle around a very high branch in a tree, use it as a pulley, and then hoist him up, do not let go of the rope. Not even to get a better grip.
Do. Not. Climb. In. The.Dryer. And. Shut. The. Door. It. Is. Not. Cute.
Do not pitch coins into your sister's mouth.
Do not stand there with your mouth open letting your brother toss a dime into your mouth.
My mother did tell me never to lick frozen metal, and I did pass this rule on to my children. I was not, however, imaginative nor thorough enough:
Do not hold the frozen metal bucket covered in icicles up while your sister licks the side.
Do not drop the bucket when your sister's tongue is stuck to the side.
If you do get your tongue stuck to the side of a bucket and your brother drops it, do not tell your mother, unless you want her to laugh.
"NO APRIL FOOL's JOKES WITH TOOTHBRUSHES!"
Do not glue your Cabbage Patch doll to the floor. And not to Daddy's flight jacket either. And don't glue it to the couch. And not the chair. Do not glue that baby anywhere.
Do not pull out the dresser drawers so they look like stairs so you can get your two year old self six feet off the ground by climbing to the top.
When Grandmama comes to visit, do not try to keep her here longer by sneaking her suitcase back out of the car just before she leaves for the airport. You won't keep her here longer, you just deprive her of clean underwear when she gets home.
Do not take off your underwear after Mummy dresses you for church. ( And if you do, then at least sit still. It's so embarrassing to discover that you have done this in the middle of the sermon when you flash the preacher).
Do not close your eyes to see what it might be like to be blind while walking down the street and trusting your sister to warn you of potholes and oncoming traffic.
Do not put Chinese Five Spice on Mom's Cinnamon Toast.
When you have been sent to your bedroom for a nap, do not open the bedroom window and scream to the neighborhood, "HELP, HELP! I'M TRAPPED!!" I am not the Wicked Witch because I ask a two year old to take a nap.
Do not hide the cordless phone in the freezer.
New rules since added:
Do- Not.-Go-Down- The- Stairs- Backwards- On- Your- Skates!!!!!
Old rules I forgot to share:
Do not bite your sister just to see if it hurts. It does. And so does what happens next.
Do not pick all my cherry tomatoes when they are still green. And it's not really obeying the spirit of this law to tell the little boy next door to pick them for you.
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Just great!
ReplyDeleteHere's one Momma forgot to tell me, much to her dismay and my guilt:
ReplyDeleteDo not peroxide a blonde streak in your hair while sitting on your mother's new couch watching TV. As your mother will explain to you, while wrining her hands over the bleach spots on her brand new couch, peroxide blobs cannot be removed.
Part of my learning curve...now, I would buy some magic markers and experiment to see if I could make the bleached spots blend in a bit.
OH my! I'm a really laughing right now! Those were priceless, and I can totally see my 2 girls doing all of that. :D
ReplyDeleteUnfortunately.
Those are HYSTERICAL!! And, of course, I realize that all are written from experience. I can't even pick a favorite - they're all great.
ReplyDeleteThese are hilarous!
ReplyDeleteAfter the Chinese Five Spice thing, I don't think I'd ever trust my kids to cook anything again!
Hilarious!
ReplyDeleteHow about "no you cannot put the kitty in the freezer even if he IS hot!" ;)
I'm cracking up about these, especially the Chinese Five Spice one. As an adult, I sleepily put cumin on my cinnamon toast one morning, and it's an experience I can't forget.
ReplyDeleteI know those rules. I used them with my OWN children. ADDENDUM to the dryer rule: my children would put pillows in there WITH them and then have their sibling turn the dryer on! Fortunately they were smart enough to put it on the "fluff/no heat" setting. I recently found out (the kids are grown now) that they did it not once. Not twice. But until they couldn't fit any more!!!!!
ReplyDeleteHow about, "No crayons in pockets."? We just had a run in with a red crayon in the dryer. Ugh!
ReplyDeleteHave you seen who is coming to visit me? YEE HAW!
It's embarrassing to be laughing so hard at work you're crying - but this list did that. I remember doing some of these - or telling my daughters the same thing.
ReplyDeleteToo funny! I have some of the same rules in my house. My kids like to aim all sorts of things at the ceiling fans. Especially the one with the "fake Tiffany stained glass." Advent candles are another thing they tend to get creative with.
ReplyDeleteA wise friend of mine told me, when I was complaining about the rules I must set, that it just shows that I have normal children.
How bout when you go fishing always make sure you didnt try to bring live bait back home withyou in your pockets? I cant count the times this has happened. Poor fish worms going thru the washer and dryer and becoming little pieces of hard stuff (dehydrated worms) I have all boys as you can tell LOL
ReplyDeleteHilarious! Before I had kids, I thought I'd have the usual list of rules (no hitting, talking back, etc), but once you have kids, there's SO many more you have to come up with...and usually after the kids have already tried it because it never occurred to you to make a rule to avoid a certain little brother from being shut in a closet so he'll stay away from the toys big sister is playing with.
ReplyDeleteI just read these aloud so my Mom and I could laugh together.
ReplyDeleteThanks for the laugh, lol, I needed it! I especially love the dresser drawer one, although our two year old can scale the dresser without pulling the drawers out first...we call her monkey child {;o) We have a major problem with her picking all the cherry tomatoes while they are green as well, she doesn't like them when they're ripe so there's no motivation to let them turn.
ReplyDelete