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When our family went from three children to five, literally overnight, many years ago, there was one thing that still stands to me as being absolutely necessary to all of us to smooth that transition. This was quiet time, every day, absolutely insisted upon. They didn't have to have naps. But one girl went to my bed, one girl went to the couch, other children went to their separate beds. They could read, play with paper dolls, color, work with stickers, do origami, string beads, do puzzles, play with baby dolls- whatever could be done quietly while sitting on the couch or bed they could do. They could make no noise.
This retreat was marvelously helpful for *everybody*. It made them calmer the rest of the day. The downtime was just vitally important. Everybody felt more pleasant for it. Everybody had sweeter spirits for it, more restful souls. Usually when we come back together at the end of the hour, we come with our souls and spirits refreshed, calmed, and our sharper edges smoothed and comfortable again.
We later moved to a smaller house with less space, and sometime quiet time had to be in the same room. In this case, I put one in an easy chair, turned towards the wall, and one in the couch where she couldn't see anybody. This isn't punishment, it's a *gift.* It's vitally important *space* in the day- downtime, a retreat from all the stimuli that can get little children's nerves on edge without them even realizing it. Ours was a special situation, but I believe one of the simplest ideas to help any family smooth any rough edges of living together in small spaces is quiet time.
It's very important that the children not be where they can see each other, because quiet time is basically the Trappist Monk Hour. There is no speaking. There is not even any listening to music or playing electronic games that beep and flash at you. At some designated time in the afternoon everybody must go to a quiet corner and either nap or work on some silent activity. When the older girls grew to be teens I did let quiet time happen on the computer, not games, just emails- but I think this was a mistake. Here are some other ideas.
Quiet Time Activities~ We do not demand that the children (and later young people) nap during quiet time. They cannot play computer games or work on musical instruments. They have colored, written letters, read a book of their choosing, done puzzles, played with paper dolls, played solitaire, prayed, read their Bibles, played with lace up cards, worked on a sewing project, worked on origami, played with a few small cars and small toy animals, and played with some tinkertoys during their quiet time. The rules are to choose what they will be working on and take the supplies they need to their quiet time area. There is no leaving the quiet time space to run grab another toy because one has changed his mind, or because one forgot the scissors. Napping is always permissible, it's just not required after the children reach an age when they obviously do not need a nap (this depends entirely on the child. Pipsqueak was 6 before she could manage to get through a day without a nap. HeadGirl was 20 months old).
Where to have Quiet Time~ Finding a private corner is not always easy in a small house. I'll share some of the ways we've managed. We like quiet time where the children cannot even see each other. If they see each other they do not feel the same sense of privacy, and they have a greater temptation to spiritually depart the trappist state and make entertaining faces at one another. When we have had bunk beds and no other options, we have had a child on the top bunk and one on the bottom in the same room, although this is not my preference. It's still better than not having quiet time. If I had to put children in the same room for quiet time, I would separate them visually by hanging up a sheet or tablecloth between them, or setting up a screen of some sort.
We usually have had a child take quiet time in our bedroom, and one in the living room. I have taken quiet time activities of my own to the kitchen or dining room in order to make more spaces for the children to have their quiet time. Pulling the couch out from the wall and putting a sleeping bag and pillow down can make another quick and easy private space (children generally love closed in spaces like this, too). You can throw a sheet over a card table or the dining room table to make a 'tent.' Perhaps you can make room on a closet floor for a sleeping bag or some cushions from a loveseat and a blanket. You can turn an easy chair with its back to the room and put one child in the easy chair and another on the couch or love seat on the other side of the room. These quiet spaces only take a minute to prepare, and are quick to clear away.
The resulting refreshment to the soul long outlasts the time it might take to make temporary small spaces for quiet time retreats.
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I learned about Quiet Time many years ago from Elisabeth Elliot and her Gateway to Joy program.
We have enjoyed her books as well, in particular:
Keep a Quiet Heart
Passion and Purity
Be Still My Soul
The Shaping of A Christian Family
Thursday, July 12, 2007
Give the Gift of Space
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6 comments:
I had stumbled upon putting the ducklings in separate rooms as a way to cope with one's naptime growing shorter, but I appreciate the insight into why this is worth the effort in any situation.
My sister-in-law recently repeated the importance of having quiet time last a certain length of time regardless of the nap, something I need to now enforce with my 3yo. For us, it's a two-hour stretch, but then that's all the time I have to nap/read/write/do office work/make phone calls/do messy or dangerous household tasks. If I can get two hours for that, I can survive pretty well. So it's time to teach them to let me have it.
DHM, my children are still required to have "resting time" every day. While I completely agree that it's good for them, I have to confess my primary motivation is giving me a break to read, doze, start dinner prep, etc. without constant little people conversation. We often let the older two spend it together playing quietly, but of late, I am leaning more toward forbidding this for various reasons. Your post gave me the courage to follow through with it. Thanks again, as usual!
We have done quiet time since the girls were little, not always very consistently, especially in the summer when friends are about all day and come knocking on the door to play. The girls themselves have asked for an alone space, though, since they share a bedroom. As Quiet Time in our house also means Mommy Napping Time, my bedroom hasn't usually been an option. Thanks for the other ideas -- I know one little girl who would particularly enjoy being allowed the closet for her alone space!
Thank you for this very timely post.
I thought of my sister-in-law when I read this. She's got her hands full with four very active children (6,4,2, and 8 months) and just started homeschooling this year. She works from home part time and is almost at her wit's end to find quiet time in her day to get work done.
I'm going to send her the link and recommend she try this, but I can already hear her objection: isn't it going to be very hard to enforce this, especially with her girls, the two oldest, who share a room. I know if they were both in the same room there would be bickering and fighting, so the idea of separating them seems key.
But I was wondering if you encountered any strong resistance, children who refused to stay put, etc. and how you dealt with it.
Melanie, I don't know where you're coming from, so my answer may not have anything to do with you or your sister. But I confess I do find questions like this a little confusing.
When the children were quite small, I usually stayed with them until they fell asleep. As they grew older I would tell them to stay in their beds until the timer beeped. I might start with much less than an hour and spend a month or so gradually extending the time from fifteen minutes to an hour.
But the bottom line is= my children obey me, and they learn this by finding the consquences for disobedience mildly unpleasant. I cannot imagine giving in and giving up on quiet time (or anything else ) because a normal four year old (ie. not autistic, for instance) refused to stay put. I am the one in charge. I have god-given responsibility for my children, and there is no such thing as responsibility without authority. If I have no authority, I have no responsibility- so a parent without an adequate understanding and acceptance of his parental authority is a parent without an adequate grasp on his responsibilities as well. I TRY to be careful not to be a micromanager and an overbearing authoritarian, and I try not to make rules that are arbitrary and purely a parental power trip. I do not value BLIND obedience. I do value obedience based on trusting me as the parent to have more experience and wisdom than my children (especially young ones), and to have their best interests at heart and not be selfish about my authority- The balance of that is that parents do make the rules, and we do expect to be obeyed, and we will make sure this happens. We do not see it as doing our children or the world they live in any favors to do things differently.
I know that something called 'grace based discipline' is very popular just now, and while I believe in grace, the definition of this term seems to be based on a world where God never said anything like "For those who have been trained by it, no discipline seems pleasant at the time but is painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace." (Hebrews).
Obedience is not a bad word to me. Neither is discipline.
God actually builds unpleasant consequences into our lives, so I do not see 'nonpunitive' discipline as more godly, but rather as less. We all have learned on our own not to touch a pan on the stove. I think every one of my children has done this same thing with a hot pot. I tell them it's hot, I try to keep it out of reach, I warn them it will burn, I try to explain it- but at some point, they dash their little hands out there and touch the hot pan. They always look indignantly at me when it hurts, too, like it was _my_ fault they chose to ignore my warnings. They learn quickest this way, too. They don't ever do it on purpose again
after just one incident like this.
I usually tell new homeschoolers that they need to get their homes in order and get their children to understand some basic obedience and respect the authority/responsibility their parents have for them in order to have homeschooling work.
So if your sister wants to see homeschooling work well, she needs to be able to tell her children to stay in bed for quiet time for an hour and have them stay there.
Grace based discipline also fails my little parenting test.=)
I cannot agree more with you about having a daily "quiet time". My three children are 4, 5, and 6 with the youngest two sharing a bedroom. Our quiet time lasts a minimum of one hour (from 1-2pm) with my youngest napping in my bedroom until nearly 3:30pm. I dread the day when he stops napping and I need to find another place for his "quiet time" of the day. The 6 and 5 year olds play quietly in their rooms with crafts, legos, books etc. This time is vital, if for nothing more than my own sanity, but I do consider it a gift to my children. They are learning to play on their own and be happy being by themselves. Some people need to be with other people all the time or they are unhappy. I want my children to realize that they can be happy on their own as well. They also tend to be the most creative when they are alone. Thank you for posting a confirmation of my own beliefs. It is validating. :-)
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