To Break a Family Cycle

The past couple weeks have been enlightening and interesting, due to several events and conversations that have all given rise to some observations on human nature.

How is a family cycle of bad habits, or bitterness, or anger, or abuse, perpetuated?
A child raised in such a family rarely says to himself "I shall do just what my parents did. I choose to perpetuate this cycle."

Determination, life-changing habits, different ways of doing things all play a part, but how many times have we all seen generation after generation fail? What are those generations missing?

In a word- Forgiveness.

Somebody, somewhere, has to stop being angry at the previous generation. It is not enough to move forward with grim determination, you must look back and make a choice to let it go.

A determination to move forward and to make different choices will not make up for a heart that still stays angry. All that will change is who's angry at who. The vicious cycle may make a new turn or two, but the chains will remain unbroken.

This is not the naivete of believing that if one party alone choose to forgive and let go, all will be well again and peace will prevail. The peace of an individual is a choice made by one, the peace of a family is a choice that needs many. (So is the peace of a nation, for that matter.)

Neither should we make this sound easy, a magic trick that is only done once. Forgiveness too is a choice, and not one that most people can just make once and move on. Wounds don't heal overnight and anger rarely dissipates in one moment of decision.

Moreover, if your heart remains the only heart that's willing to let go, then be prepared- You will continue to bear fresh wounds. You must continue to let go of each wound at a time.

This is back-breaking, tiring work. It is not a romantic, idealized way of life. It must go hand-in-hand with your determination not to perpetuate what those before you have perpetuated.

Forgiveness can be seen as a lifestyle- You wake up one day at a time and you say "I will not dwell on the past today. I will let go. I will not burden my children with the wounds their grandparents left on me." You do it again the next day.

Again, do not mistake this for the foolishness of leaving the next generation completely blind to what has happened in the past. But what is told, and when, and how, should be governed only by what is deemed necessary and beneficial- and not by the overflow of an angry and unforgiving heart.

How often have we seen in these situations the truth that those who remain angriest at the failings of the past generation are the very ones who perpetuate the cycle of broken lives?

Those who forgive and let go do truly move on. Not all at once, but they make strides every day. They truly become the stepping stones of the next, whole generation- Because they alone recognized the anger as the locks of the chain, and truly found the keys in forgiveness.