The Myth of the Soulmate

The Equuschick wasn't sure whether to write this post or not because having been married just a couple weeks over one year she would feel sort of silly offering marital advice. (She does know though that men don't like it when you hit them with maps when they are lost, if you're really looking for tips.)

In all seriousness however, the thing is that this is more like premarital advice if it is advice at all. But just to be on the safe side, let's call it social commentary.

The Equuschick is not sure exactly when society as a whole began to look at marriage more as a means to personal happiness and less as a God-given institution to serve God's purposes, but the more troubling thing is that at some point Christians began to look at marriage in the same light as well.

We don't really think that we do, for most of us still cling to the conviction that marriage is for life. But we cling to that conviction as well as the misconception that marriage's primary function is to bring us together with that mythical man or woman called "our soulmate" who will bring us deep fulfillment and much joy.

This works (or seems to work) in the beginning. The trouble starts a few years later when reality strikes and your soulmate snores and sometimes hurts your feelings and doesn't always brush his teeth and you know, you're just not filled with joy and fulfillment whenever you look deep into his eyes which you don't always have time to do because the kids need their baths and the dog wants to be let out and the checkbook needs balancing and what's that smell in the fridge, anyway?

Enter confusion. You know that you're supposed to be married for life, but you always thought you knew that marriage would also bring you perpetual bliss. These two ideas now appear to be contradictory. You have a choice. Either cling to the conviction of marriage for life, or that marriage is to bring you personal fulfillment. If you refuse to let go of the latter, you convince yourself that you must have made a mistake and this isn't your soulmate after all. Surely God will understand if you go looking for another one.

You could call that perhaps the anatomy of many "Christian" divorces. But many more admirable, if just as confused, people don't leave. They just stay frustrated and confused. And others (the smartest of the lot) get rid of the secular myth of the natural soulmate and they learn by daily choice and sacrifice to fall in love with their snoring, selfish, husband all over again because God's will is that marriage glorify Him before it fulfills you. But in the glorifying of God, the marriage itself is fulfilled.

In the end however, it is how you begin that determines in large part how you'll end. It saves one so much trouble and turmoil to keep the horse and cart in the right order from the beginning, to recognize that God created marriage for His glory first, and that the primary function of the marriage union is not some sort of personal fulfillment.

It is interesting to The Equuschick that even as many Christians still cling to the myth of relationships as a means to personal fulfillment many secular psychologists recognize what a ridiculous abdication of personal responsibility it is to expect your mate to bring you fulfillment and happiness on a silver platter. Get a hobby. Get a sense of humour, cultivate your own sense of joy in life.

Do not misunderstand The Equuschick. This post is not written by a girl miserable in her own marriage but glumly clinging to it anyway on the basis of moral conviction alone. The Equuschick is really quite happily married, and Shasta does a great deal to fulfill her.

But he is not her soulmate by fate or destiny. They choose daily to mate their souls together in a mutual pursuit of what they believe to be God's goals for them. And when those choices are made, one can't help but be blessed by what a friend called "God's true best."

Don't sell out for your soulmate by destiny. Destiny, fate, whatever. Whatever you like to call him, his character is fickle. Choose. Keep choosing every day. God will bless you with His best.