The Biting Baby is NOT Necessarily a Plea for Attention

Our sixth baby was a _much_ prayed for child.
There is a six year gap between her and the next child up the line. During that six year gap I had one miscarriage at 16 weeks, and it took me almost four years to recover from that emotionally.

I watched approximately 40 cycles come and go, greeting every single one with secret tears as I learned, yet again, that I still had not conceived. I learned later that four of our five older children were praying for us to have another baby (the one of the five might have been, but she's nonverbal, so I wouldn't know). The oldest had been praying for twins.

And so this baby, this sixth child, was born into a home full of hearts to adore her,
arms to hold her and lips to kiss her. The only time she ever so much as touched the floor is when she insisted on it. Otherwise, I held her or one of her siblings did. We had one horrible episode of 'letting her cry it out,' and none of us could stand it so we never did it again.

More than one person told me that they had never seen a mother have so much fun and joy with a baby. Everyone of her siblings was nuts about her- the only sibling rivalry was the fight to hold the baby.

She was an active, busy little person. She didn't sleep much. She craved stimulation. She walked just before she was nine months old and she was running about two weeks later. She was able to climb anything and everything. She was fearless and stubborn. If she could see through a gap she believed she could get through it and shse had the bruises on her forehead to show it. She started using sign language when she was about nine months old, too.

Another habit she began at nine months old was to bite hard while nursing and then collapse into absolutely hysterical giggles over my face. This was not her most charming trait. I did all the usual things people tell you to do and none of them worked a lick.

I finally call the LLL (La Leche League) leader in town to ask for suggestions. She asked how many children I have, and her first (and subsequently ONLY)idea is,
"Wow. Does your baby, like, ever get held? She probably just wants attention."

I explain that this baby never lacks for attention, gets more love and affection than any other baby I've seen that wasn't one of mine, that I hold her, dance with her, cuddle with her, snuggle with her, sleep with her, and that if for any reason I ever stop, one of her siblings jumps in immediately. This baby doesn't think she is the center of the universe. She knows it, and she's quite right.

And Ms. Yuppy LLLLeader says, "Yeah, but, like, six is so many. Are you sure she's getting enough attention?"

"Yes," I repeat. And I point out that her next sibling up is six years old, and say again how precious this child is to all of us and she says something like, "well, gee, I don't know. I don't see how you have time to hold her. If it's not just a need for extra attention I can't think what it would be. I'm sure she's not doing it to be mean, though."

I _know_ that. I never suggested she was. She's too little to really understand 'mean.' She is not too little to understand cause and effect, though, because she likes the effect she causes- my outraged, pained face really amuses her. She doesn't know that she's hurting me, she just knows she's producing a hilarious (to her) reaction.
But of course, it still hurts, and if I want to continue to nurse, and I do, something must be done.

I tried a bit longer, but it was pointless. I hung up the phone with the feeling that this woman was utterly convinced that:
a. my baby was not ever held except when bfing (so why would she bite, and thus end the session, if she had this unsatisfied need for extra attention?)
b. I was an idiot for having six children, and
c. I probably did think my 9 month old was maliciously biting me to be mean.

A couple months later I was out doing the yard sale thing. One of the yuppy houses I stopped out had boatloads of expensive yuppy baby stuff along with brochures for LLL. I stopped and visited for a few minutes and learned that yes, this woman was the one I had talked to. I didn't tell her who I was, but looking at all the baby accessories spread out over the lawn I could see why we were just not going to communicate.

At the risk of calling down the wrath of all sorts of people I will tell you how I got my daughter to stop biting me. One problem was that I'd already 'rewarded' her with my over the top startle reflex. Had I been prepared to grit my teeth, glare sternly at her, and hold back my yelps, she wouldn't have already gotten so much 'reinforcement.'
So the next time she bit me I took her own sweet little arm, put it between her own sweet little teeth and gently pushed her chin up until the pressure she was applying to her own arm was unpleasant to her. As I did this I told her "Biting hurts. No biting."
Some people think the cure for a biter is to bite back, but I disagree for a number of reasons that will either be obvious or impossible to explain. The most practical reason I had her, in effect, bite her own arm is because I can see, from a baby's point of view, that the sensation of biting on another person is pleasant. Babies like to chew on things and people must make the best sorts of chew toys. They are the right temperature; they have the right amount of give; from the baby's perspective they 'play back,' and they make really cool noises. I want to replace that pleasant sensation with an unpleasant one. It takes a while before a child can really see another point of view- whatever they see and feel is what they think everybody is seeing and feeling. Helping her to associate the biting sensation she formerly enjoyed with an unpleasant result on the receiving end was one way to give her the experience she would need to learn to see things from my point of view.

We only did this once or twice as I recall, and she never bit me again. We were able to continue nursing for another six months.

The spoiling we all continued for another three or four years.