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Tuesday, August 16, 2011

For Hurting Homes

From time to time women in pain have left comments like this one on my blog:
Struggling right now with being told my resume has a "red flag" because I have been home so many years raising my kids. I love my job being home, homeschooling, keeping house. I am only looking for a job because my abusive husband finally had an affair and left us. It's a hard road to walk. And much less support from the church about my desire to stay home, about looking for a work from home job.
I always pray for these commenters, and today it occurred to me to start praying for their church families, too, for better discernment of real needs, for becoming better equipped to weep with those who weep and for offering substantive support, both emotional and financial- and for offering the abuses the full range of biblical grace which does include church discipline.

It's usually women who leave these comments, and they are the ones who have the hardest time reentering the work force, but men are just as likely to be abused in marriages as women, and that is also a topic over which society in general, including the church, tends to blush and look awkwardly away.

Here are some links that may help those who don't understand but who want to:

This site is a paid site, although they have a free article every day and those free articles are worth reading. Today's article is on why setting your goals to be a good husband (or wife) isn't good enough or high enough. A few days ago it was on those genial, popular men in our midst who are actually Angry Dads. That was a great article. Keep checking back. Ask your preacher or elders if you can buy them a subscription.

From a Catholic perspective: When Catholic Families Are Not Holy In part of the article she discussed how painful it can be to be a victim of spousal abuse and brutailty while sitting and listening to a sermon on the importance of holiness in the family unit, often with your abuser sitting next to you, smiling, shiny, attractive, gregariously chatting up his friends afterward.

In the comments somebody asked how the priests could address how the church values holy families then, were they to keep silent?
But silence, as the blog owner pointed out, isn't neutral. It is still saying something.
Instead, she suggested:
I think humility is always a good place to begin when in doubt. Can you imagine what would happen if the priest said “I need to speak about this topic because it is so important. But I have been debating how to broach this topic. I fear some might feel I am condemning you and that is not what I want to do.” Specifically dealing with domestic violence, a priest can STILL preach about the Christian ideal marriage while talking about what it is not. The priest can say “I am aware of those who have been deeply injured within their families and I am here to tell you that the Church condemns such violence. The Church also wants victims to know that we are here for you and we suffer with you.” The Church can also speak to the perpetrators of violence and, most importantly, pray for their conversion and for their healing.

I agree. I have often thought that it would be a great blessing and encouragement to hurting families if leaders in the homeschool movement, particularly the patriarchal version, would speak up loudly at family events and point out that just as Paul warned that ravening wolves would come in to the flock, even from among the eldership,

"We know that there are sometimes ravenous wolves in families, scurrilously hiding behind the name of homeschooling, of leadership, of patriarchy. We do not support tyranny. We would encourage any children and spouses here who are being victimized by tyrants rather than loving led by shepherd husbands and fathers to come to us and let us help you. It is not okay..."
And then be specific about things that are NOT okay, that are sins. Some of the links here will help give tools for describing what is not okay.
And then.... be prepared to know what to do when somebody does come forward. Be prepared to protect them. Be prepared to meet with plausible con artists and women and children who do not seem at first to make complete sense (more on that later), and pray hard for discernment and wisdom and compassion.


This post
is not really about violence in the home, it is about human trafficking, but there is an incredibly insightful comment that applies to any tyrant- domestic or otherwise:
Evil evolves to fit the conditions available to it...

I've mentioned before how several years ago a friend of mine complained and complained about her husband, and all of her complaints were utterly trivial. Many of them were about things my husband (for whom she expressed great admiration for) also did.  They were things like being forgetful, leaving shoes where they did not go, not noticing things that she thought should be noticed.  I was uncomfortable with her gushing admiration of my husband (that's usually a bad sign), but didn't really know what the problem was.  After a couple of years, her husband left her for a 19 year old who didn't speak his language and he did not much speak hers, and we learned that he had been emotionally and verbally demeaning, belittling, abusive, and this was only the latest in a long string of 19 year olds (my friend had once been another such 19 year old and he'd left his first wife for her some twenty years before).  That's why discernment is so important- sometimes when people are complaining incessantly they are just complaining.  But sometimes they are crying out for help but are too ashamed, to damaged from suffering the effects of having their heads used for twisted mind games for years, to be clear about their true situation.  When they do send out tentative feelers, they are often rebuffed- the rebuffer may not intend to do that, or perhaps he or she imagines that the advice they give is helpful, but it's rebuffing nonetheless.  I really do not know what to do about this, and I am doubly handicapped by the fact that I find tact an obstruction to communication.  I wonder if it wouldn't be a good start to just say something like, "Sometimes when we complain we are just letting off steam, and sometimes the complaints are masking a much more serious problem.  Forgive me for being blunt, but is the issue here really his shoes, or is there something more serious going on that I could pray with you about?"  This might have the added benefit of stopping the complaints for the sake of complaining, while encouraging those who need encouragement.

I suspect that hardly any victim of abuse is able to open up about it by just mentioning the very worst of it from the get-go.  They lead up to it, sending out tentative little hints, assessing how those hints are received, working up the courage to share just a little more, anxiously waiting to see the response.

I thought of the friend whose husband left her for a 19 year old when I came across this excellent resource, an audio sermon on how the sinfulness of their sin is denied by the abuser:

"Don't just write off someone who is coming and speaking about being abused..... talking to them you get the impression and begin to wonder, 'I wonder if this person's a little crazy'....

"Would you criticize someone who had been in a prisoner of war in a concentration camp for, say, seven years, tortured, psychologically abused. They come out and you begin to talk to them, would you hold it against them if they act a little mental? Of course not, but that's exactly the same thing that's happening here in regard to this sin of abuse."

[quoting Lundy Bancroft:] "'If your spouse...criticizes or puts you down for being badly affected by his mistreatment, that is abuse. Similarly, it's abuse when he uses the effects of his cruelty as an excuse. Seek help for yourself quickly as this kind of psychological assault can cause your emotional state to rapidly decline.

The abusive man, guess what? There is never a right time or a right way [to confront] because he is not repentant." -- Pastor Jeff Crippen

It's part of a series he did on domestic violence. I've not listened to all of it, and I am not sure I'll be able to (time constraints), but it's been highly recommended to me by somebody who has been there, and what I've seen so far has been outstandingly useful.It would be an incredibly useful tool for anybody in church leadership.

We once knew a great family, godly, lovely people, three children including one adopted.  He was a leader in the church, everybody loved him.  Everybody admired their marriage. They were so close.  We were military so we lost touch as we moved on.  We ran into each other again a few years later when we were traveling with my husband on one of his recruiting trips.  We were only in the area for a couple of weeks.  I was shocked to learn that he had left her for another woman.  They were still married, but he was with his girlfriend and wanted a divorce.  Even more shocking, the church leadership was not speaking to him about it- they were even still allowing him to lead singing at church and with the group that went to the nurshing home from church. She pleaded with them to intervene on her behalf, to confront him.  They didn't want to 'hurt his feelings and drive him away.' He was already 'away' in all the ways that mattered, and serious church discipline was the only thing that might have brought him back, but they were afraid to use it.

Meanwhile, while trying not to hurt the adulterous man's feelings, they were breaking the hearts of his three children who witnessed his selfish behavior and their mother's abandonment both by her husband and her church leadership, because that is what it was.

I was going to say that these families are out there, in places you do not suspect or expect.  One reason is the same reason social workers, teachers, and priests have such high levels of child molesters- because predators seek prey.  They seek protective camouflage, as well.  Tyrants of this sort are essentially con artists.  They have to be pretty plausible at being nice or they'd not be able to attain the positions they need to feed their supply of victims.  Who would ever go on a first date with, let alone marry a man who told you in advance he would withhold food from you, berate you every night, abuse your children, destroy any item you particularly cherished, or work to convince you that you are crazy and paranoid?  Evil usually wears a smiling, friendly, alluring face, not a warning sign accompanied by a snarling face.

As I said, I was going to say that these families are out there, but that is not accurate.  They are not 'out there,' they are among us.  Pray for them.  Be open to them. Be alert.

12 comments:

  1. Thank you for this post,
    it's one of the best I've ever read from a religious point of view about abuse and domestic violence.

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  2. When I was still in high school, there was a man in our church that was verbally and emotionally abusive to his family, yet had a facade of great spirituality in church. His wife went to the pastor and deacons asking them for help and multiple times they went to talk to this man about his abuse of his family. Things just got worse and his wife finally left him, taking their 3 kids with her. After the divorce, I became friends with the daughter who was my age (her father had never allowed her to have friends before) and to this day, 10 years later, she has a hard time stepping foot in our church or seeing anyone from the church. She says it's because they didn't do anything to help her family when things were so bad. My question is, should the church have done anything differently in this situation? My friend has obviously never forgiven her father and carries a heavy burden of anger and bitterness towards him. My heart aches for her and her family. Because of what her father did, the family has turned their back on God.

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  3. I've gotten those same "I wish my husband were as awesome as yours" comments from friends. Sometimes those women are indeed abused, as they finally worked their way around to telling me. It seems like there is so little I can do besides praying for the situation.

    There was one woman, though, who was just trying to steal my husband. Sometimes it's a cry for help. Sometimes it's a flatterer hoping her words will get to your man's ears because she thinks you're dumb enough not to notice what she's doing. I'm not friends with that one anymore. ;0)

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  4. Oh, yes, Cindy. That's where I thought she was going first. I, too, have met the sort of woman who flatters your husband because she's after him.

    Hannah, yes, there is so much, much more that the church could have done.. Her husband should have been disfellowshipped/excommunicated. They should have stood with her and banned him from the home until he got help and truly repented of his anger. They should have offered safe haven to the woman and her children.

    I would also want to know for certain exactly what was said when the church leadership was having their multiple meetings with this man- I think in all the cases that I know of the counsel includes an attempt at evenhandedness that is unjust and blames the victim for the tyrant's rage, at least in part- the counsel includes things the victims should do so as to not 'provoke' the tyrant. But the tyrant does not act like a tyrant because of something hsi victims do- he is a tyrant because he has a sinful, pride filled, selfish, violent man's heart (or woman's heart- some abusers are women)- he uses the behavior of his victims as an excuse, but if they change their actions the tyrant only finds another excuse because this sort of counsel never addresses the root problem- the carnal nature of the abuser.

    and why so many meetings? What an unbiblical approach. Matthew 18 requires far, far more than a long, drawn out series of 'meetings.' It requires actual *discipline* at some point, and not a point years down the road while children are actively being harmed and having their souls twisted and wounded, and having their sense of God warped into a caricature of their wicked father.


    Imagine you are in a room alone with a Sunday school teacher who berates you, calls you venomous names, demeans and belittles you, screams at you, and tears you apart emotionally over and over. You go to the 'authorities,' church or otherwise, and you report it. They leave you in the classroom in that teacher's care while 'counseling' the teacher. She does it again. And again. And again. And again. And every single time you complain the leadership 'meets' with her to tell her that's not a good thing to do, and then they leave you right there in her care anyway. Often they make suggestions to you about how you should change your behavior so as to provoke these outbursts. And so it continues. All talk, not any action or protection.

    Eventually, you leave on your own. Of course you will be bitter about the way that was handled, because it was a sinful excuse for 'handling' it. Nothing was handled, you were knowingly left to the mercy of a violent abuser. Bitterness is a hard way to live, but it can be much easier to release it if people do not deny your feelings and tell you there is not a real reason to be upset and anger, that they are actually wrong and nothing could have been differently, when of course, it could.

    Your poor friend. I think the best approach would not be to deny that she was wronged by church leaders who refused to do their job and protect her, but to apologize for them and agree that humans fail miserably, but God is still God and He never does- and pray for her much.

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  5. Thank you, thank you, thank you for this post and the above comment. May it be read far and wide.

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  6. Thank you for this. I was in such a marriage for many years and was too afraid and ashamed and brainwashed to say anything to anyone. I thought it was being disloyal to my husband. In the end, he left me for another woman. My church, however, did discipline him and my current church is very protective. In fact, my pastor is helping me to know how to handle my interactions with him (because of our children) in a godly way which will also allow for my protection.

    I pray for women and men who are in these kinds of relationships and have several friends to whom I am able to minister because I recognize their situations, having been there myself. I also think that these kinds of families are going to grow as our culture continues to disintegrate. It's very sad. Churches need to acknowledge the sin that happens behind closed doors and not sin against those being abused. It's not easy though but I believe that churches are the best place for Christians to find healing in Christ and so they must lead in calling sin "sin" and extending grace to those who are hurting.

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  7. As the only ones present during the meetings were the man and the church leaders who spoke with him, and maybe his wife, I have no idea what was said. Our pastor at the time (good man, but he had his faults like the rest of us) seemed to be more interested in numbers for our small church and was afraid of offending anybody to the point that they would leave the church. I'm pretty sure that what was said at these meetings was far from harsh and honest.
    Because I'm still in the church, my friend has pulled away from me as well, but I pray for her everyday and we still keep in touch. I just wish there were some way to go back and fix what happened to her and her family. Thank you for clarifying to me what should have been done. I will definitely be calling her up and apologizing. Who knows, maybe God will use this to soften her heart towards Him again.

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  8. Hannah, I didn't mean to suggest he was harsh or that his intentions were harsh.

    However, any 'advice' or counsel in this situation that doesn't include serious, biblical church discipline for an abuser results in a harsh sentence for the victims.

    Because abusers are skillful con artists, often with charismatic personalities, church leadership is often naive about what is really happening- and the end result of that naivete is also a harsh sentence for the victims.

    Do you know what I hear most often from people who discover what the abuser is really like (including his victims)? Some version of, "But he seemed like such a GREAT guy." or, from his victims, "Nobody would believe me. Everybody loves my husband/dad, and thinks he's wonderful."

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  9. Headmistress, wow. Any thoughts on turning your first comment into a post? That was excellent.

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  10. Thank you so much for addressing this. I was the child of an abusive man . . . who was verbally and emotionally abusive to all of us, my Mom included--and physically abusive to us as children. He also threatened to spank my Mom but she told him flat out if he ever raised a hand against her she'd leave, so he didn't. He grew up in a very ungodly home with a very abusive Dad and while he did tone it down some, even becoming a Christian did NOT "fix" all his issues. He had no clue how to parent in a grace-filled way. The church we ended up in eventually (a "plain" Mennonite church) fed his issues with their very strong emphasis on "submission" on the part of the wife and children, and "godly discipline" (which was all about spanking as THE method of discipline). For years, any attempts at getting help for our family was met with, "Well, if YOU would be more submissive, it would be easier for HIM"--and yes, such things were said repeatedly in front of my Dad. When at age 12 I begged to be moved out of our home I was patronizingly told that, "Things aren't *THAT* bad and besides, you should just learn to apply the grace of God to your life to cope with it." The emotional and physical scars have eased over the years some for me and my sibs but they will never go away completely until we get to heaven.

    I read and post sometimes on your blog under my user name, but this one is going to be Anon.

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  11. Anon, please forgive me for not replying when you posted. I don't know how I missed this. You deserved to have somebody tell you, "I'm so sorry. that pain was unjust."

    I am so glad you are still trusting the Lord. So many go through such experiences and don't.

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Tell me what you think. I can take it.=)