You know how last night went.
You know that I had already committed to watching the boys when the HM was transported by ambulance to the hospital and we all forgot to call and cancel, so she showed up in the midst of the chaos at home.
Although she had not mentioned an extra child to me, and even though she knew my husband was in the hospital emergency room with CO poisoning, she prodded her four year old into asking if his friend A. could come stay with him at our house today. The girls told her no, that was too much.
Nod pitched a fit lasting about an hour, saying he did not want to stay. Usually, she just tricks him and leaves when he's not looking.Last night, she took him home. The Equuschick says ehe thought at the time there was an ulterior motive.
This morning when she brought Nod back for us to keep during her doctor's appointment (and overnight), the boy's mom brought an extra 4 y.o., the one whom we had already declined to watch. She never asked anybody directly if we could keep the child, but she did get her four year old son to drop hints as subtle as a toe stubbed on an anvil. The girls again declined to watch this extra child whom we do not know on the day after their father nearly died and the same day we are preparing for a singing and many overnight guests.
On her way out the door, the boys' mom told Nod, "Never mind, your friend can't stay, they don't want to watch her while I am at the doctor's office."
I told one of my children I feel like I ought to feel guilty, but I don't really feel that guilty. I feel like we are in the story of the Boy Who Cried Wolf. Manipulate, use, and take advantage of us enough times and we just won't be that accommodating after a while.
She gets paid for watching this child (cash, under the table, it does not get reported to Welfare or the state). We don't get paid for any of it.
She knew on Monday that she committed to watch the child at a time she was also committed to be at her doctor's. She had five days to make arrangements.
She never mentioned the extra child to me at all- even last night when she arrived, she did not ask, she prodded her 4 y.o. to mention this child to the girls. The girls told her no, that was too much for us to handle just then.
She showed up with the child this morning anyway.
She still has never actually asked us to watch her, she's only hinted.
My husband almost died last night,and we're having 20-50 people here tonight, so we think we're pretty much going the extra mile to keep any extra kids at all.
So who does it sound like I'm trying to convince?
Instead of saying what I really think of her 'ways', I'll simply say that you have the patience of Job.
ReplyDeleteI had a friend who is going back to school ask if I could watch her 2 young daughters 3 days a week (from 8am-5). I felt bad enough saying no, I could only take one day. The first day I watched them it was awful with the baby screaming the whole time and me not being able to teach my 3 kid's lessons or do much of anything. I still feel guilty I couldn't watch them 3 days, and I feel guilty for putting my 4 kids out the day I watch them, and I know I will feel guilty when next semester comes around and I am not going to volunteer to do it again.
ReplyDeleteI think you were plenty gracious to keep the two kids. Thanks for being such a great encouragement for me with your blog, as there are not very many biblical older women to get advice and examples from around me.
i would have done the same thing...i think it's a shame that she treats you like this...
ReplyDeleteAre there liability issues here? I mean, does this 4-year old's mother know that the woman to whom she has entrusted her child intends to leave her with someone else entirely? I wouldn't feel guilty at all. Actually, I probably would... but not for any rational reasons.
ReplyDeleteI keep hoping someday she'll drop them off for good so you can stop playing games and those boys can have a real life. I feel awfully sorry for the other four year old. I commend you for standing your ground. Maybe you should meet her mom and ask for her to hand the kiddo over along with whatever she's paying Blynken and Nod's mom. AFTER your husband is all better!
ReplyDeleteYou know, I wondered if that extra child would show up this morning when you mentioned it in last night's post.
ReplyDeleteI don't think you need feel guilty at all. You are loving and caring for those little boys already.
Melody- my husband met the family once- he was dropping off the boys and was introduced, and their response was, "Nice to meet you. We've got a four year old you can take home with you any time, and she and Nod are best buddies." They weren't kidding.
ReplyDeleteThis is at least the third time we've been introduced to one of her neighbors and been told the same thing- "Hi, nice to meet you, you can take my kids, too."
Well, no, we can't.
I am glad we are doing what we do, it's worthwhile, it's important, but it's hard work.
And I do not think the fact that they asked us to keep the kids would protect us from liability issues if somebody got hurt.
Lady Why, I do not have the patience of Job, I have wonderful, wonderful self-sacrificial children who all help.
Oh, and Melody- irrational reasons, yes. I think the part that gives me a twinge of guilt is that it was a doctor's appointment.
And had she called and said, "I am babysitting a little girl and I have a doctor's appointment, could you watch her and my boys Friday from 8 a.m. to 11:00 a.m.?" I would certainly have said yes.
I know her cash under the table babysitting jobs are the way she pays for her laundry, gas, and multiple trips out to eat. I don't really begrudge her the cash under the table.
I just dislike the presumption, the taking for granted. Maybe thats pride, I struggle with trying to be sure that's not it. But I think it's just line-drawing, which is also important. It's not good for her or for us to let her get by with some of this stuff.
I think you made the right decision in not taking the extra child. To have accepted would have been to cross the line from supporting and helping the mother to encouraging her in sneaky, manipulative behavior that exploits her own little child. Maybe you made your decision for the wrong reason, I don't know, but it was still the right decision.
ReplyDeleteMy ex-husband is abusive and no boundaries worked with him, the only ones that work are GET OUT! But anyway, having been raised around this, my kids don't fully get boundaries and can possibly be manipulated and enter into similar relationships. So we're studying boundaries this year as a family. Healthy boundaries, what is manipulation, etc. Maybe you standing up to her is to help teach the boys what healthy boundaries are. Praying for your husband still. I was helping a friend pressure wash her porch last night and thought of him and prayed for all of you. So scary!
ReplyDeleteI find it somewhat ironic that she babysits for cash and expects you to provide extended childcare for free.
ReplyDeleteAlso, I'm not sure of the legal liabilities you are incurring by admitting that you know she is defrauding the government by making an income and not reporting it. That may fall under 'aiding and abetting.' :)
Just a thought.
I think the first Anonymous makes an excellent point. You are modeling appropriate boundaries and respectful but firm behavior to Blynken and Nod. They watch you, they watch their mom, and they learn!
ReplyDeleteIf it makes it easier, you could remind yourself that you're not just sticking up for yourself, you're showing Blynken and Nod how to respectfully stick up for themselves in the future. Kids know when someone is trying to pull a fast one, and they can see from you how to respond appropriately.
You are doing wonderful work with and for Blynken and Nod, and your work puts you in tricky situation after tricky situation. They're learning a lot about loyalty and reliability from you!
I don't see it as my responsibility, moral or legal, to turn in somebody who is not reporting all their income.
ReplyDeleteI think that in a small way you are trying to convince yourself that your decision was valid and good.
ReplyDeleteJust keep re-reading your own post.....it'll sink in fully over time. :-)
It's hard to say "no" but, golly! Your plate was full enough for today!!
Enjoy the hubby and give him extra hugs for all of us on the Net.
Deb in NE
How is he doing now? Still taking it easy I hope! Praying! (first anonymous..I can't make a comment on blogs unless Im anonymous, I haven't figured out how to make it work right otherwise! FB I comment with my name but on her to comment I have to be anonymous)
ReplyDeleteThis is that sad spiraling catastrophe where you know you're right, but you need validation which makes you feel like you're seeking praise, but then that makes you want to be more gracious, which can demolish all healthy boundaries... tug and pull. You are all amazing. Fabulous. Fabulous. Fabulous! By the way, sorry to hear about your husband. Didn't make the connection when I read about it on Facebook. Scary. Hugs.
ReplyDeleteI would say "unbelievable", but, unfortunately, it's not. It would seem that, all the kindness and selflessness that you have shown her, she should have been able to been kind and selfless enough to realize you had too much else going on at the moment. And not to be snarky, well, maybe it is, but it seems she has an awful lot of doctor's appointments. Of course, it's none of our business, and perhaps they really are all for real, but that would be a convenient, seemingly valid reason to have someone watch your kids, as opposed to something that's not really necessary. Just sayin' . . . .
ReplyDeleteOh, and I agree--definitely do not feel guilty. My dad used to try to guilt trip me for really silly reasons, and he'd even say, "don't you feel bad" or "don't you feel guilty", all the while smiling and trying to be charming. And, I would just matter of fact say something like, "No, if I had something to feel guilty about I would, but this isn't it." ;-)
ReplyDeletePraying for you all, I hope and pray the HM is better. Don't feel bad about the the little boys mum, she's playing you and I know this because it happens sometimes when we help people out.
ReplyDeleteJust praying for you all,
God's Blessings
shelley p
from over the pond